New electronic album available
No shit, No Shite
New electronic album available
No shit, No Shite
The complete podcast series has been uploaded to Mixcloud.
by Noah Hamilton
Gerald after finding himself broke on the street, he walks a by few embassys and ends up thinking of emigrating. No work for him in this country and he missed his last sign on day. He stopped and realized he had no idea where in the city he was as he never ventured down this street before. He froze thinking the only option was to go back to his messy apartment, rent was overdue and didn’t not want to be there when his landlord was calling around for more money. A car drove passed and then turned around back towards him. He looked to see it was a new Audi car with tinted windows, it pulled over and the window slotted down….
Hector: Hey young man, sorry to bother you but do you know where the closest bathroom is, my daughter needs to go.
Gerald: I haven’t seen one for a mile to be honest, I walk past a pub way back over there.
Hector: Could you show me to it?
Hector: I’m Hector and this is my daughter ,Amelia
(the back window comes down and reveals a young woman, she smiles but there is embarrassment in her eyes)
(Gerald smiles and waves but rather rather confused)
Hector: Hop in and you can show us
(Gerald goes in the front seat and looks at Hector and then looks back at Amelia, another embarrassed smile)
Gerald: So you go up this road and take a left, there are a few other turns, I’ll show you
Hector: Great, thanks. Whats your name young man?
Gerald: It’s Gerald
Amelia: I love your name, it is as strong as you look
(The ignition starts, they take off down the road)
Hector: So what do you do for a living son?
Gerald: I’m looking myself
Amelia: I’m looking too
Hector: Its hard for a lot of people, you are not alone Gerald
Gerald: Tell me about it, what do you do Hector?
Hector: I’ve retired early, big pay windfall came though it won’t last forever you know but we always help others out when we can
Gerald: That sounds genuine
Amelia: I was in a crash last year
Hector: It’s been hard on her
Amelia: So hard
Gerald: Really sorry to hear about that, are you ok?
Amelia: My legs don’t work any more but there is hope in stem cell treatment I’ve don’t a lot of research so far
Gerald: That sucks
Amelia: It hasn’t been easy, but we’ll get there
Gerald: Oh yeah, here is the next turn, we are close
Amelia: I hope we are close, I can burst at any moment
Hector: Thanks for this Gerald. One more favor, could you help me get her out, I know this is the wrong car for this job but the van is in the garage, we got this on loan.
Gerald: Sure thing
(The car pulls over to the pub, Dooleys is the name. Gerald hops out to open the door for Amelia while Hector opens the boot to retrieve the wheelchair.)
Amelia: Quickly, get me on the chair, just grab me Gerald, no time!
(Hector unfolds the wheelchair)
Hector: Don’t worry I got this, you hold the chair steady
(Hector struggles to lift Amelia out of the car while Gerald holds the chair)
Gerald: You ok there?
Hector: I got it…wait, my back hurts, could you get her arms, just put your arms under hers and lunge her upright.
Gerald: Ok, wait a second
(Gerald puts his arms under Amelia’s from behind)
Hector: Like you are giving her a bare hug
Gerald lunges Amelia upright but nearly struggles as his right hand is almost grabbing Amelia’s left breast
Gerald: Sorry, sorry
He gets he upright and secure
Hector: Now we got to get her up these steps
Amelia: come on! I don’t want this happening again….Thanks Gerald for this
Gerald: No problem, we’ll get you there I promise
Hector and Gerald wheel her up each step, one by one until the get through the front door of Dooleys
Hector: We are here, though I forgot to lock the Audi, could you take it from here Gerald?
(Hector winks at Amelia)
Hector: You’ll be ok honey
Amelia: Love you daddy
Gerald: What do I do Hector?
Hector: Just get her in the ladies, I’m just going to park the car around the corner, be back in five minutes
Hector bewildered but pushes her through the pub past a few old men turning their heads and sniggering at Gerald
Barman: Oh Amelia, back again with a fella I see, shall I put one on for you? The usual is it?
Amelia: Yes please, and another for him too
Amelia: Don’t worry honey, I got this, now get me in there please
(Gerald is getting more concerned as an old lady opens the door for her)
Amelia: Thanks mam!
Gerald: Whats going on?
(The door locks behind them)
Amelia: Ok Gerald, I saw how you looked at me at first, and I know you enjoyed touching me
Gerald: But don’t you need to take a shit or something?
Amelia: Thanks for bringing me this far but I never needed too, I’m just going to say it straight
Gerald: Listen but….
Amelia: Can’t I eat your dick?
(Gerald pauses, Amelia pulls out a wadd of fifty notes)
Amelia: I’ll say this again, can I eat your dick?
Amelia: Can I take that as a yes/
(From outside they hear Hector)
Hector: It means perform oral sex on you and you will get money for it, what are you gay?
Gerald: I’m not gay?
Amelia: Than what are you waiting for? unzip and put it in my mouth and don’t pull out until I swallow
Hector: Do it son!
(moments later as the door is unlocked, Amelia leaves Gerald in the ladies bathroom. Gerald looks in the mirror and looks at a wadd of cash in his hand, Hector puts his head through the door)
Hector: You coming to join us for a pint? We should talk about a job for you, it can be a regular thing if you don’t mind?
Gerald: She just raped me, and you let her do it. And what the fuck is her mother doing here!
Hector: All in good time, you needed the money right?
(Gerald looks at the cash in his hand)
Hector: I say you got a good deal there, don’t blow it. Now come on, you don’t want Amelia to take on another candidate, or do you? It’s up to you.
Within that moment a shot gun blasts and Gerald finds himself covered in blood, its Hectors head all over him, more blasts come throughout the bar and Gerald is stuck in the ladies bathroom.
Gerald: Oh shit what the fuck?
In the bar: Give it to him!
(More shooting as one round goes through the wall and breaks the mirror, Gerald sees a window above the the toilet as the cubicle door swings open, he legs it and places his foot above the toilet seat and cistern to try and squeeze as much as he could through the opening, he flips over and falls seven feet on his back onto tarmac)
Gerald: My fucking back!
(As he’s straining himself to get up he notices his earnings float down to the air until….
Boom! A grenade goes off in the pub flinging debris and broken glass everywhere. Gerald’s vision goes and his ears start ringing with tinnitus…
But Gerald wakes up to find the fifty notes floating down onto his face.)
(He notices Amelia alive on the ground with him zipping his fly up, the bathroom is a mess with the wheelchair on the other side of the room.)
Amelia: Made it rain Gerald! you made it rain.
As the fifty notes are everywhere and Gerald perches himself up, Amelia grabs his left shoulder and pulls him into direct eye contact to say:
Amelia: Now if you ever spout shit about me to the cops, my dad and everyone in this bar will make you just like me in this chair!
Gerald: Couldn’t you have let me had that drink first?
By Noah Hamilton
It’s 9:33am on cold frosty morning. A grey dawn has come and Gerald has woken up unusually late, six thirty on the dot as it usually is but this time some thing is a bit eerie as there is a smell brisking through his nose, he sniffs but must have been something he ate still lingering from the night before as he usually raids the fridge after his “afternoon” drinks. He sits himself up from his pillow an clears his throat, he is barely awake but does his usual routine of putting on his slippers and dressing gown. The sniffs again and it is still there. It smells pleasant though he thinks to himself, what is that fragrance?
Gerald: What is that?
(He mutters to himself)
Gerald: Oh, my head. Ugh. I should really take it a little easier next time. God knows what I could of done.
(He squints his eyes and notices a pain that hits hard)
(He finds a mirror)
Gerald: Oh god.
(Gerald notices he has a black eye, he can make it out even in the poor light. But then he switches on the light not only to find a black eye but some lipstick on his cheek.)
(He looks around the room to see if there are any clues or relics from the previous night and there is. One traffic cone and even an empty keg. He flicks them both with his fingers just to make sure. He sniffs again and still confused of the fragrance.)
Gerald: Is that…Calvin Klein, Calvin Klein Obsession?
(Sniffs again and tries rubbing the lipstick off with his fingers but to only get it on both his face and his fingers.)
Gerald: I need a napkin
(He reaches in the drawer already open, he shuffles through and finds some soft fabric, about to wipe it on his face he unravels it to find out what it is, a pair of ladies underwear. He wakes up completely. Still wanting to get the lipstick on he reaches for another attempt to find a napkin but to his amazement he finds another pair of ladies underwear. He flings them both away to attend to his headache and black eye.)
Gerald: This strange, this is bizarre,who’s are these?
On the chair next to his bed he notices a studded belt….
Gerald: This does not look good
In comes Delila
Delila: Oh great you are awake, just collecting a few of my things before I go, think you had a good time, sorry about the eye, and all that other stuff but you were a champ. Shame you passed out before anything happened.
Gerald: Wait, what? who are you?
Delila: My oh my, you must of took something strong, you really don’t remember?
Gerald: Do I want to?
Delila: Well I though we had a great time on the trot painting the town red with you, you saved us from that guy, remember? You got in the way of his fist while we had time to hit him with our hand bags
(In comes Lara)
Lara: Morning Gerald! Have you seen my belt and, you know..
Gerald: Oh…wait where were you sleeping?
She hints with her hands and points both fingers towards Gerald
Gerald: And I don’t remember?
Delila: That brute must of hit you hard, and the hundred euros worth of tequila at the late bar
Lara: Hope you don’t mind that I raided the fridge do you
Gerald: No no, sure fine but…..
Delia: Oh yeah and that bit of money we agreed upon
(Gerald looks at the studded belt again)
Lara: That taxi remember?
Gerald: Oh right!
Delila: 250 for damages
Delila: What were you thinking about? Were you thinking about those things we were supposed to have but didn’t?
Gerald: Can I just sit down for a minute?
Delila: Sure honey, we are not crooks, but we do work
Lara: Working girls you know?
Gerald: Ok Ok, if it will make you go away
(He grabs his wallet to find it empty)
Delila: Broke huh?
Lara: Well we did drink it
Delila: That’s just complimentary
Gerald: Now hold on just a second, this is not me, I just don’t do this kind of thing at all.
(Delila looks at Lara)
Delila: There’s always a first isn’t there? Always hoping for a freebie
Lara: Lets call Big Bobby, let him know he’s here for round two
Gerald: Please don’t, here have this
(Gerald hands Delila something from another cabinet)
Gerald: Its a wedding ring, I don’t need it anymore
Delila: Shouldn’t you kneel first?
Lara: I do!
Delila: Stay quiet Lara, this looks legit, what happened Gerald?
(with a small bit of a sympathetic tone she asked)
Gerald: She said “no”
Lara: When was this Gerald?
Gerald: Just please go, it’s enough to cover everything and more, but please go
Delila: Let’s go Lara
Lara: Ok but Gerald?
Delia: Merry Christmas!
Ophelia and Katya
She called herself stupid, she lived in her ex boyfriends parents house. A jealous ex boyfriend, it was complicated. As many she was addicted to taking selfies while pouting. Without the makeup she could pass as a Hollywood actor but she never really acknowledged it, her makeup was her burka, her dismorphia was her projected identity to the world. Didn’t like her father, felt betrayed, was self loathing and every first impression she played a bitch. Drinking a gin and tonic she wondered why. She was like many. She didn’t deserve to be the item of ridicule but to the women who wore repeal hoodies, she was an enemy to feminism. Wasn’t her fault, she was dyslexic, she went undiagnosed for years, instead her diagnosis was “stupid”.
She had a miscarriage at the harbor, the trip was for an abortion of which was defeated by that event. Running to the rest room to vomit, it was a low time for her, alone and out of credit, she sobbed as she was bleeding, afraid of the security as she didn’t quite trust men at that moment after all they put her through.
Arriving at the harbor meanwhile was Katya, a polish immigrant looking for work here as she graduated from nursing school back home, she had an interest in hardcore punk but during an episode in her teens induced by an unknown substance of which was new on the market at that time she was trying to give back in some way as an old nurse once did for her but that was another story in another time.
She arrived to the rest room to find Ophelia in tears. “Are you Ok? She spoke great English, mostly learned from western television and song lyrics that she learned by rote growing up. Ophelia just looked up and said just before passing out “Fuck off”…….
At the hospital Ophelia woke up on a trolly hooked up to a machine next a mop bucket, she could hear the polish lady arguing to an elderly nurse about the conditions she was accommodated in though all she saw in front of her from her view was a Pakistani janitor cleaning urine off the floor of which an elderly man was on the next trolly mumbling to the ceiling through his respirator, he had a black eye and the smell of vodka was making its way through the constant barrage of disinfectant. The Pakistani was mopping and scowling to the old man as Ophelia saw, she laughed morbidly and gave him the finger as he scowled back, he continued mopping as it was all part of the job.
An elderly nurse came from around the corner to check, her head went down to her clipboard and jotted something down and the walked away out of sight.
“Hey!” Ophelia muttered lunging herself upright but a sharp pain hit, she froze with a whimper but knew if she moved more it could get worse, instead she fell back on what was intentionally a pillow but instead the slightly padded headboard with the sound of loud beeping from the machine, a tear went down her eye but no one came as there was already a car crash victim being rushed passed to the theater.
It wasn’t for five minutes of more arguing from afar with a few curses in Polish, Katya came around the corner with Ophelia’s bag and placed it on the chair.
“What were you doing to my handbag?!” Ophelia croaked as she spat on the wall, “I saved your life bitch and by the way amongst a load of dumb messages from guys I was trying to find out what your name was as I was calling you Rhianna1991 until I figured out that was wrong, whats wrong with you people?” Katya stated,
“Well don’t want them pigs knowing that, would I?” Ophelia replied,
“I’m Katya, and you?
“It’s Ophelia Smith, you can tell that to that one with the clipboard, she seemed like a bitch for sure.”,
“Yes Ophelia, yes she was, she was saying some horrible things about you that no one deserved but who knows? Maybe you do?” she responded with a laugh but frowned as she realized what she say, I’m sorry”.
“Nah don’t be, done some shit in my time but at least you are being nicer than that one” she replied, “Ouch, what happened?”
Katya: “ I might as well tell you that you lost your baby, so sorry”
Ophelia: “You do know why I was at the harbor?”
Katya:“I heard but wanted to hear it from you”
Ophelia: “Didn’t want it so was off to get it done elsewhere”
Katya: “Some luck but still not great, there are still some tests if they get around to it but I think you may recover, hold on dear, the doctor is coming”
Ophelia: “Thanks though I’ve heard enough to be satisfied love”
Katya: “This hospital is awful, the staff have been horrible, I think I made a mistake looking for a job here, no one hiring”
Ophelia: “Why not the dole?”
Katya: “I’ll look first”
Ophelia: “The dole for ya, come on now, isn’t that what your here for? You wouldn’t want to be doing what that Paki over there is doing”
Katya: “I came here for a few reasons and it wasn’t to clean piss or to treat people like it, came here to make some better money, can you blame me?”
Ophelia: “You came to the wrong place”
Katya: “You could be right….”
Dr Solomon arrived with the charts…
Dr Solomon: I am sorry but your test results came back, you are HIV positive
Katya: Oh lord!
Dr Solomon: You still here? I thought the staff told you that you can leave Rhianna alone!
Katya: Her name isn’t Rhianna, it’s Ophelia
Dr Solomon: You are not Rhianna1992?
Ophelia: No, its Rhianna1991 but it is Ophelia Smith, and where did my passport go?
Dr Solomon: I was wondering why that Rhianna1991 I told was confused….let me check back with you, I think there has been a mixup
The doctor strolls out rechecking his charts then he starts running away dropping another chart, Katya picks it up and comes back to Ophelia
Katya: I think you can go soon once you get a prescription for the pain but rest up, you have anyone I can call? you need a better place than this shithole.
Ophelia: So I don’t have aids?
Katya:….no but that is not…oh nevermind. Give me a few minutes and we’ll get a taxi together somewhere
Ophelia: Off license?
Katya: Good idea but none for you, you have to recover more. But I need a drink
Katya: No love, just no.
Eventually as Katya pushed Ophelia out on a wheelchair after she was finally discharged they hailed a cab Ophelia hummed to herself as they were been brought into the town center to find a BnB
Katya: You like musica?
Katya: Music, sorry, RnB?
Ophelia: Yeah but can’t play a note
Katya: neither can I though I can produce on GarageBand
Ophelia: Whats that?
Katya: Its a Daw, on the computer, you can get it for free
Ophelia: Wha? That’s feckin gibberish, firstly what does produce mean?
Katya:….I just…You have a nice voice even though you were humming, you can hold a note well
Ophelia: Thanks but you are not dawing me in a garage ya sick fuck
Katya: No, no…
Ophelia: I’m messing, had an ex who was on the laptop messing about with that I think, the garage thing
Katya: Oh really?
Ophelia: He was a bit of a psycho
Katya: Oh, where is he now?
Ophelia: Fuck him, let’s just leave it at that.
Taxi Driver: Here we are, that’s thirty
Ophelia whispered to Katya: Shall we leg it?
Katya: No you can’t, I got it, just might not afford the off license now…or the BnB, shit, sorry bad language, I’m just exhausted now
Ophelia: It’s “Shite” by the way but getting there, here look, a pub, we can scab a cuppa at least by the fire. Where did my passport go, do you know?
In a pub full of farmers the two walked in to see a fire lit stove, the warmth was needed as it was a manky wet afternoon, they had three euro between them, enough for a pot of tea and a pack of salt and vinegar taytos between them. They looked like they’ve been through a war at that point, tired a both were silent for an hour a reflecting on what to do next.
There was an open mic with two young men in trendy outfits and perms setting up the stage
Ophelia: Whats going on, a bit of music?
Katya: Seems like it though that PA might have seen better days
Ophelia: Looks like shit, ya
A loud pop blasted from one of the speakers, everyone grunted, moaned and sarcastically cheered
Ophelia: what was that? Fuck my ears
Katya at the two trendies: Turn that gain down
Bart, trendy number 1: No worries we got it…
Katya: Do you know what you are doing
Dave, trendy number two: Ehhh no, first time with this mixer, sorry, we were supposed to have a sound guy but he bailed on us, you know anything on how to work this?
Ophelia: Just play a fucking tune for Christ sake, know any Rhianna?
Ophelia: Know how to play wonderwall then?!
Dave: We don’t play covers
Ophelia: What do you play? Shit?
Katya: I got this Ophelia, I got this…..
End of part 1
As it turned out to Ophelia’s astonishment, Katya worked the desk like pro, within three minutes of ordering to Bart and Dave at a sound check they were playing wonderwall in no time. The crowd was beginning to form until gradually dispersing after they busted out their own songs.
Ophelia: Your shit and you know it lads
Laughter amongst the crowds
Bart: Well why don’t you sing?
Said with a slight sneer, Ophelia bit her lip, Katya looked to her with a wink
Katya: Go for it love
Ophelia: Sure I don’t know many but can you play Rhianna lads?
Dave: Might know the chords…Three of them right?
Ophelia grabbed the mic and began to scream one note, Katya was quick on the volume controls, added a bit of reverb and delay until it sounded bearable but within three seconds it sounded crystal clear like something Janis Joplin would have been proud, Dave and Bart looked at each other realizing they need a capo to fit that key as they only knew three chord shapes and none of them suited, they stood back a little and just palm muted a rhythm while the other clapped in synch, everyone clapped their hands along and wooped every now and again in appreciation. After the final note Ophelia threw the mic on the ground, Katya turned on the mute before the pop happened. There was a standing ovation but as the crowd went wild she pushed through them in order to go to the restroom once again. Katya ran after her worried. On her way to the women’s toilet she found it was locked, she then burst through to the mens room and blasted through to the only cubicle to find a man with a needle shooting up, she turned around to vomit in the cubicle, she was having a panic attack, Katya on the other hand was catching her hair as she was regurgitating bile.
Katya: Oh lord you alright?
Ophelia spiting the last of the vomit put her thumb up
Ophelia: Apart from being a spastic here now for a second…wait a second
One of the barstaff came to help but first dragged the heroine addict out and flung him out the back exit, he came back with the bar owners wife of who congratulated her with sympathy and admiration handing her a pint glass of icy water.
Owners wife: Here love why don’t we clean you up, you both can stay upstairs, you were fab!
Katya: Thank you so much
Owners wife: can I get you anything dears?
Ophelia: Gin and tonic?
Owners wife: Well perhaps when you are feeling better
Katya: Wodka for me.
Owners wife: Certainly, we may talk about a bit of work for yourselves once Bart and Dave fuck off like.
Ophelia: (more spitting) Those faggots were putting me off a bit, Ugh
Katya: Thanks again, what is your name?
Owners wife: Gertrude Smith, and yours?
Ophelia: …..Ophelia, Ophelia Smith…..what is going on are you….?
Gertrude looked at her with a trembling smile but in tears
Gertrude: Where is that bitch?! What did she do to you? My sister is going to get fucked up once I find her. My sister kept you away from our family and fucked off with that IRA fucker when you were a baby…
Ophelia: Bitch and Gobshite indeed but your are not my auntie, how can that be?
Gertrude: Look in my eyes hun, just look in my eyes…..
Ophelia got a passport when she was eighteen, she went straight to Ibiza around the clubs where she met Rick who happened to be from the neighboring county nearby. Rick dealt cocaine and a substance that was new on the market, she met him outside a small club and asked him for a next of a joint he was smoking to himself. Ten minutes later in a bathroom cubicle they were snorting lines and consummating their relationship under the eye of a camera phone which was snuck under the door by one individual who ended up posting it online to a pornsite. The video got a hundred thousand views though they were never aware of that. That man with a camera phone was found dead in his apartment after another video was posted to the same channel but with two men in balaclavas with baseball bats. Ophelia and Rick went home to his parents of whom ran a local pharmacy. For two years and seven overdoses later Ophelia decided to run away after finding her results came out positive, when that happened she wasn’t the only ones results came back positive as Rick took his out of a strange curiosity. When a man’s results come back positive it is said to be a sign of testicular cancer, poor Rick though he was a bit of a prick to begin with.
Moments after Ophelia’s ordeal in the harbor, Katya was briefly absent to find help. She was found by Benjamin an Israeli nineteen year old who was avoiding the draft back in his country. It was his lowest point but he thought he needed a passport that he could try to forge for reasons that were quite beyond his capabilities but it was a state of panic for him. It was a pointless theft as he managed to sneak out of customs due to the distracted security when aiding Ophelia.
Benjamin was born in Jerusalem but lived with his uncle in Peta Tikva, commonly known as the Detroit of that country as stabbing were a frequent thing, Ben didn’t want revenge as his uncle was murdered on a bus amongst three others on their way to a protest in Rothschild street in Tel Aviv, the knife welder was reported as a deranged Arab but it really was an extremist Hacidic jew, so Benjamin had enough, he wanted out……
Ophelia woke up with a headache and every other ache imaginable. But at least she was in a clean bed for the first time in a year, it even had a pillow that smelled fresh. Sitting beside her was Katya who greeted her with a smile.
Katya: Here take this
Handing her a glass of water and some solpadiene, Ophelia reached out for the solpadeine and swallowed with a slight gag ignoring the water until Katya insisted she drink it. Ophelia was almost used to discomfort through her years of abuse.
Katya: You think you are a soldier, do you?
Ophelia: Soldya for real
Katya: You never give up on being a bitch, do you?
Katya: And don’t tell me again to…
Slap! Katya smacked her in the face
Katya: You never have been nice were you!
Ophelia started to whimper, her eyes watered profusely and wailed
Ophelia: I wish I was never born! Everything is shit, everyone is shit, the whole world can go fuck itself, you should of hit me harder, I deserve it!
Katya began to cry as well, she was always under the impression that she had it good compared to her, tried to embrace her but Ophelia pushed her away spouting her usual profanity
Ophelia: Will you fuck off you lesbian!
Katya was so angry but she had to leave there was nothing she knew how to salvage in this situation, as she thudded down stairs Ophelia whispered out katya’s audible range…
Ophelia: ….Come back….
Katya was already gone.
Ten years have past.
Ophelia after checking into a rehabilitation center discovered a love of music. She went to study the classical grades and got a scholarship to go to college. She worked behind the bar with Gertrude, it was now just them as the owner of whom was Gertrude’s second husband passed away after a heart attack some years in between. Ophelia was writing her thesis on early child development and was already the top of the class. She briefly had a boyfriend of whom was studying literature and politics but for some reason she couldn’t understand exactly why he left so quickly to a transfer to Harvard but she never let it get to her. She changed her accent completely over the years to fit in with her classmates though she kept to herself on the headphones, listening to Nina Simone constantly, she discovered a foreign film called Nikita, eventually watched the western remake, hence the reference. The pub still didn’t have wifi, she didn’t miss it as they were out of the way. She was wary of her past and to an extent she legally changed her name to Kate Morris to protect herself.
Katya met Benjamin at a bus stop, Benjamin unaware of their mutual commonality comforted her as she was in distress after the ordeal with Ophelia, she didn’t mention her name ever but described she had a run in with a lost soul. They married in a registry office and ended up having two kids, Benjamin was obviously young for Katya but it worked out strangely enough. They named their kids Peter and Mary in order to fit in a little better in school. They even changed their own names to Barry and Rebecca just for a new start…..
But one day while Mary was looking in her parents closed, she found a passport…..
Mary was bright for her age. She was good at maths, spoke four languages fluently and at nine years old was already going to secondary school, Peter her little brother on the other hand played soccer and always had dirty hands and any opportunity which annoyed Mary quite a bit.
Mary: Will you go away please Pete?
Peter: Why, what ya got?
Mary: Nothing, go away
Peter: I wanna see
Peter: Gimme gimme gimme!
Mary: Get your grubby hands off!
Peter: But I wanna
Mary: You are too stupid to know what it is
Peter: No I’m not
Mary: You are too!
Peter: No I’m not!
Peter: Mum! Mary is stealing from you!
As Mary heard footsteps and polish swearwords only she could understand while Peter smirked in she came furious, Rebecca weighing more than she once did grabbed both the kids.
Rebecca: Get out of fathers belongings, that is private!
Mary: But mum, what is this?
She showed her what she found, Rebecca formerly Katya fainted in shock, fell back and hit her head off the radiator, knocked out unconscious. The children cried for her as Barry was still at work….
Somewhere in time on a the back of the bus traveling through the country
Katya: You can’t just go back?
Benjamin: No, they’d be looking for me
Benjamin: You don’t want to know
Benjamin: I think you know enough things by now woman
Katya: Shut your mouth, you are only young
Benjamin: You don’t know me, you don’t want to
Katya: I know enough about you and where you come from, could only imagine but child you haven’t lived long enough
Benjamin: I haven’t live at all, just suffered
Katya raised her arm to strike Ben
Benjamin: Just try it
Smack! Ben just looked back
Another wallop on the back of the head from Katya
Katya: No, you are sick, it’s that what you like?
Benjamin: No, but you seem to do woman
Katya: What is wrong with you, can’t you stand up for yourselves
Benjamin: I may deserve it, I’m a coward
Katya: You are not, just crazy
Benjamin: Not that much, can’t feel it much, you hit like a girl.
Katya: Want another child
Benjamin: A few more if you like
Katya: You are aroused by this?
Benjamin: Kind of
He smiled then laughed
Benjamin: No I joke woman, though if it makes you feel better..
Kayta grabs Ben by the ear
Katya: You are a pussy and you know it
Benjamin: You are strong woman, I like you, feisty!
Katya: You are just after one thing
He winked though Katya was unimpressed
Katya: Grow up!
Benjamin: Ok. We are nearly there I think, though seeing so much greenery I wish we could stay on this bus to see more of it.
Katya: Its nice I guess
Benjamin: Have barely seen one rifle yet
Katya: Lots where you are from?
Benjamin: It’s war country
Katya: Well you shouldn’t be there so
Benjamin: Shouldn’t be anywhere though have to make do somewhere
Katya: Why you here?
Benjamin: I love Riverdance and Westlife
Katya laughs uncontrollably
Benjamin: What’s so funny?
More laughing from Katya
Benjamin: I don’t understand
More laughing from Katya
Benjamin: I like their music, whats so wrong with that
Katya: Your music is shit
Katya laughs more
Benjamin: We will be there in twenty minutes
Katya: You can get off I’m staying on for the next stop
Benjamin: It’s the last stop
The radio comes on, Westlife’s new single comes on
Benjamin looks at Katya and smirks until….
Some one at the front off the bus: Turn that off!
Bus driver changes to the News
Radio: Further conflict in the middle east as Israeli forces move in on Gaza territory, causalities reported….
Benjamin puts his head down while Katya looks out the window and say nothing
Someone on the bus: Hate those fuckers
Benjamin starts to look angry until Katya pats him
Benjamin: I know, not going to do anything
Katya: I know you won’t child. I know you won’t.
Dave and Bart were back to their flat of whom they shared with a Belgian who stayed in his room most of the time who was as Dave and Bart found out was a bit of a racist, it was the reason the last tenants moved out though the Belgian named Eric claimed the last tenants an immigrant couple from Spain were constantly abusing each other and were vegan. Eric only left his room to work in a deli before arriving back home to throw on an oven pizza before returning to his room to masturbate. This was routine but Dave and Bart tolerated him as they didn’t want to be evicted again.
Dave starts to roll up a joint while Bart starts swiping on Tinder
Bart: Got a match here
Dave: Another tranny eh?
Bart: No and fuck you
Dave: Any roach material about?
Bart: Just use that pro life pamphlet that came in through the letter box
Dave: Mmmm, we’ll be tasting dead babies once this monster is sparked
Bart: Go easy, that has to last for the week, we’re broke
Dave: It’s a shitty bag but fuck it, I need to get baked now, tis the time for it
Techno beats upstairs
Bart: Eric at it again with Brazzers
Dave: Guess so, the guy actually has an account payed
Bart: Why doesn’t he just go on pornhub, doesn’t he know its free
Dave: He thinks only dole scroungers pay
Bart: Well at least he’s supporting single mothers
Dave: Stop it, my ex was one
Bart: A pornstar? gwan you dirty fecker!
Dave: fuck off, she was just a single mother
Bart: How long did that last
Dave: when I found out she had a kid
Bart: Wha??? You are a right bastard
Dave: Yeah, she was your mother
Bart: Fuck yourself. Sure check this one out
Bart shows Dave her phone
Dave: Oh don’t go there was chatting to her a while ago, she’s crazy
Bart: I’m in there!
Dave: I see a coldsore on her lip too, see?
Bart: Fuck sake
Dave: You really need that to get laid?
Bart:……Yes, yes I do, it’s how everyone get a ride these days, you know that yourself sure
Dave: I’ve pulled in real life, I’m not a sad bastard like yourself
Dave: Your mother bitch
Bart: Just give me the baggy, I want to roll one myself
Dave: Sharing is caring
Bart: Not having your duck arsed nexts.
Dave: Hold on there, where’s the grinder?
Bart: It’s on google apps
Dave: The Grind-er, not Grindr
Bart: I know what you meant, only messing.
Dave: Go chat to yer tranny
Bart: Oh, got another match
Dave: who’s it now?
Bart: She’s cute, hold on a second
Dave: Mon now, what’s she like
Bart: “Me son is my world” She say in her profile, her job it says “Mother”
Dave: Be a bit more specific
Bart: Loads of baby pics now….
Dave: She messaged ya?
Bart: Yep, going good so far
Dave: Sure go for it dude
Bart: Just skin up lad, I got this. Just messaged her back
Dave what did she say?
Dave: What did you say
Bart: Ok, let’s see how this goes
Dave: It’s on, got a light?
Bart: Ah fuck, just realized that slapper at the pub stole it
Dave: Ghoulbag to say the least
Dave: Does Eric have one?
Bart: You know he doesn’t smoke
Dave: I’ll just use the toaster
Bart: She hasn’t replied yet
Dave: Someone else better looking must of swiped her
Bart: ah well, dodged a bullet sure
Dave: You are some Cunt Bart.
So Rick lost his testicles through cancer but he survived. He didn’t feel like a man anymore, he didn’t even feel like a human being. He lost all his friends, they didn’t even acknowledge his existence, He was depressed and suicidal. He was stuck in the psychiatric ward until another patient started calling him “Bitch”. He had several attempts on his own life but to no avail, he kept waking up afterwards to a nurse that told him off about the mess he made the night before. There was no escape from his putrid life and it may be years until he dies naturally. Though Rick had an alternative, he could die but live on as “Stephanie”. After two years of successfully wearing women’s clothes he had a transformation, with breast implants to boot and surgery on the remains on his genitals, he was finally a she.
Stephanie felt confident, quite comfortable with her sexuality after an incident at the sperm bank before the procedure during cancer, he wanted kids after all. While he was masturbating his last load into a cup the actor Tom Hardy entered his head, it was the best orgasm he ever had. He wanted more though it wasn’t until he admitted it to a psychiatrist, it dawned on him that cancer freed him from himself to eventually become the person of which was destined. Stephanie was born. And her future children were frozen for the right surrogate.
Ophelia after Katya left fell into a deep depression, she didn’t leave the bed for a week. Gertrude nursed her until the end where she finally snapped at Ophelia.
Gertrude: Ok, you are better now enough of feeling sorry for yourself, you are now going to get up, get dressed and change those sheets, there is a smell of wee of ye.
Ophelia: Ugh, gives a sec, could you…
Gertrude: No! Here is a towel, ran a bath for ye and all, get up!
Ophelia: What’s for brekkie this time, no more porridge
Gertrude: Porridge is what ya get, this isn’t a BnB
Ophelia: Yes it is
Gertrude: Only for paying customers, now get up!
Ophelia: Where is uncle?
Gertrude: She is not your uncle, it’s George, he hasn’t been well either. Drinking to much. The bar has been closed for two days. You giving me a hand with it or what?
Ophelia: Can’t even pour a pint.
Gertrude: You can drink it ok, seen ya sneak out while I wasn’t looking, you owe us a hundred quid in spirits.
Ophelia: I thought you were were asleep?
Gertrude: Aha, you lying little bitch, I knew you were out when I wasn’t looking, though I can smell it handy enough. Now get up! The immersion is on.
Ophelia: Thanks auntie, where is it?
Gertrude: Its the same place as where you were pissing and shitting
Ophelia: Not that one, people can see from outside
Gertrude: You didn’t mind when you were pissing, and there is a slide door if you haven’t noticed already
Ophelia was in the shower for over an hour before Gertrude knocked on the door.
Gertrude: Are you finished yet?
The shower was still running but Ophelia didn’t answer
Gertrude: Come on now!
Still no answer
The slide door was locked.
Gertrude: George! Where are you!
George: What is it?
George arose from his hangover only in his underpants and a yellow stained t shirt
Gertrude: Open the door for me, it’s locked. Get it open now!
George: What’s going on?
Gertrude: Just fucking get it open!
George finds a fire hydrant and smashes a hole through, reaches his arm to unlock and manages only to slide it half way open. Gertrude squeezes through the open slot to find a naked Ophelia in a pool of blood.
Gertrude: Call the ambulance now George!
Barry and Rebecca decided that was it after having Peter, though they used condoms they knew even though they were granted asylum, they didn’t want to move across the waters if another one came. So Barry agreed to a vasectomy. Though still in love they always had their arguments though often it led to a make up sex, they had to be responsible.
Mary was young but already flying through playschool at the envy of other classmates, she was always well behaved but baby Peter had colic and was stressing Barry and Rebecca to the extremes though they were grateful to have children in a safe environment in a suburb in a commuter town.
Bart and Dave were also in the neighborhood after an ordeal with Eric from their previous accommodation, They moved nearby after Rebecca met them in the main city busking to no avail. They later chipped in together to invest in a commercial premises that was named “Little Venice”. The place took on many trades, first was a cafe, then a music venue until they took advantage of the nearby redevelopment construction sites where they ended up finding success in their patented snack “The Breakfast felafel” as invented by Benjamin.
After Rebecca passed out and hit her head on the radiator, Mary tried contacting her father but there was no answer. Peter was trying to wake her mother up.
Peter: Mama won’t wake up
Mary: Dada won’t answer
Peter: What are we going to do?
Mary: Pete, you stay with Mama while I run to auntie Stephanie
Peter: What about uncle Bart?
Mary: Oh yeah, he must be with Dada but they are still a long way away
Peter: What about Dave
Mary: He’s….tell you later. Hold on there, I’ll run to get Stephanie, she is not far.
Mary ran as fast as she could towards Bart and Stephanie’s house, the passport withheld in her pocket. Something was up but there was no time to elaborate why her mother fainted and hit her head to unconsciousness.
She rang the door bell
Stephanie: Hello Mary
Mary: Mams hit her head, she won’t wake up come quick!
Stephanie: What? Oh dear, let’s go, did you call an ambulance
Mary: No…should I?
Stephanie: I thought you were smarter than that, come on, where is she?
Mary: At home upstairs
Stephanie: Where Peter?
Mary: With her
Stephanie: Lets go, she might be ok
They ran back to the house to arrive to Rebecca and Peter
Stephanie arrived upstairs to find Peter at Rebecca’s side, Rebecca was coming around though though muttering with her eyes closed
Rebecca: That ungrateful bitch
Stephanie: Are you ok Rebecca?
Rebecca: That total bitch
Rebecca: I wanted to forget
Rebecca: Ophelia the bitch
Stephanie: Wake up Rebecca, wake up
Peter: The passport, show her Mary
Stephanie: What are you talking about?
Peter: Mary has it, its her fault
Mary: Don’t be mad, wasn’t expecting this
Stephanie: What have you got?
Mary: I found it in Dada’s closet
Stephanie: Now you shouldn’t be going there, who knows what you could find
Mary took the passport out of her pocket, Stephanie grabbed and opened it. It was her, Ophelia. Stephanie’s face went pale, it was her alright, this was too strange, too strange indeed.
One night after Bart returned home after a gig in Little Venice he decided to do a bit of swiping on Tinder. Dave disappeared with another woman for the night so he had the place to himself.
Bart: What’s this?
He said to himself
Bart: She’s cute
He scrolled down to see a lengthy profile describing various interests, it was like a novel and inebriated his vision wasn’t the best but he just wanted a chat with someone. Anyone will do.
Bart: Hi there 🙂
Stephanie: Well hello 🙂
Bart: So I’ve just read that you are a dj, that’s cool. I play a bit of music myself.
Stephanie: I love music, it’s my life, what do you play?
Bart: A bit of everything thou I write my own
Stephanie: You do? I never could do that. I’m good at mixing though
Bart: Haven’t made it yet
Stephanie: You will honey
Bart: Thanks, you seem more interesting than the others, what’s your secret?
Stephanie: I have many secrets
Bart: Me too
Stephanie: I’ll tell you mine if I you tell me yours?
Bart: Well I do smoke
Stephanie: Me too
Bart: Smoke smoke?
Stephanie: Yes dear
Bart: We are going to get on just fine
Stephanie: Hopefully, you seem nice but did you read my profile to the end?
Bart: It’s quite long, I don’t mean to be rude, its just that I’m kind of dyslexic at times
Stephanie: My ex was like that, she was a cow but I was a prick then I know now
Bart: We all can be, no ones perfect, she? That’s hot
Stephanie: Read my profile, you should do that now
Bart read on and to his shock he saw the word Tgirl feature as he leafed through the text. He didn’t know if he wanted to respond but he didn’t want to be another jerk for once.
Stephanie: Finished? it’s really ok. I understand
Bart: Thanks but FYI, sometimes I do just like to chat. There isn’t many here that would do that.
Stephanie: I understand completely. After my procedure it was hard connecting with people
Bart: Yeah, I kind of get you. Though thank you for the company. When I’m out of ganj, a chat is the next best thing
Stephanie: You need ganj? I’m close by you know, can drop the makings if you want?
Bart: This is getting too real, might pass
Stephanie: Suit yourself Bart
Bart: Wait just a minute
Bart: How near are you?
Stephanie: Within five hundred meters
Bart: Go on then, you watch The Wire?
Stephanie: I’d watch it again
Bart: I’ll meet you at that statue outside the bank if you want
Stephanie: See you in five minutes
Bart: Bring the weed
Stephanie: Will do
In the Hospital after the attempt. Ophelia wakes up in a haze.
Ophelia: Where am I?
Old Woman: You had us worried dear
Ophelia: Who are you? I can’t move.
Old Woman: Just a sympathetic ear child, we won’t be letting you get into any more trouble
Ophelia: What have you done to me?
Old Woman: Nothing though that will change, good blessings are ahead
Ophelia: Yeah right
Old Woman: Now try not to be too rude to people, they may just not come back
Ophelia: That’s not true, not at all.
Old Woman: Don’t be so pessimistic, it never serves you well
Ophelia: Nothing ever does
Old Woman: You are still ticking, your heart is still beating, sure everything happens for a reason
Ophelia: A reason? Really. What kind of monster would do this to me
Old Woman: Well at least it is something if not nothing
Ophelia: Dibs on the nothing
Old Woman: Now dear, time for you to wake up, its all part of the plan
Nurse: Wake up Ophelia, you have been out for two days
Old Woman: later Ophelia
Ophelia wakes up to the smell of disinfectant, the sun shining on the face, her eyes are heavy as she struggles to find an old nurse.
Nurse: You have missed breakfast but you are just in time for lunch, don’t move yet, we have to get you off that drip.
Ophelia: Where am I? You are in the hospital, NOW WAKE UP!
Paramedic: Ophelia, can you hear me?
Ophelia wakes up to a paramedic by her side, she is still in the bathroom with a blanket around her patched up
Gertrude: She woken, thank you lord!
Paramedic: Good job Ophelia, you are going to be alright, luckily you didn’t hit any essential veins, can you stand up?
Ophelia: let me try..
Ophelia groans but to her amazement she manages to get upright
Paramedic: Ok, she’s fine
Gertrude: Shouldn’t she go to the hospital?
Paramedic: She should go back to bed, be a better option.
Gertrude: But she just tried to kill herself?
Paramedic: Just keep an eye on her until the consultant sees her
Gertrude: When will that be?
Paramedic: About three months
Gertrude: Oh for fuck sake!