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No shit, No Shite
The complete podcast series has been uploaded to Mixcloud.
by Noah Hamilton
Gerald after finding himself broke on the street, he walks a by few embassys and ends up thinking of emigrating. No work for him in this country and he missed his last sign on day. He stopped and realized he had no idea where in the city he was as he never ventured down this street before. He froze thinking the only option was to go back to his messy apartment, rent was overdue and didn’t not want to be there when his landlord was calling around for more money. A car drove passed and then turned around back towards him. He looked to see it was a new Audi car with tinted windows, it pulled over and the window slotted down….
Hector: Hey young man, sorry to bother you but do you know where the closest bathroom is, my daughter needs to go.
Gerald: I haven’t seen one for a mile to be honest, I walk past a pub way back over there.
Hector: Could you show me to it?
Hector: I’m Hector and this is my daughter ,Amelia
(the back window comes down and reveals a young woman, she smiles but there is embarrassment in her eyes)
(Gerald smiles and waves but rather rather confused)
Hector: Hop in and you can show us
(Gerald goes in the front seat and looks at Hector and then looks back at Amelia, another embarrassed smile)
Gerald: So you go up this road and take a left, there are a few other turns, I’ll show you
Hector: Great, thanks. Whats your name young man?
Gerald: It’s Gerald
Amelia: I love your name, it is as strong as you look
(The ignition starts, they take off down the road)
Hector: So what do you do for a living son?
Gerald: I’m looking myself
Amelia: I’m looking too
Hector: Its hard for a lot of people, you are not alone Gerald
Gerald: Tell me about it, what do you do Hector?
Hector: I’ve retired early, big pay windfall came though it won’t last forever you know but we always help others out when we can
Gerald: That sounds genuine
Amelia: I was in a crash last year
Hector: It’s been hard on her
Amelia: So hard
Gerald: Really sorry to hear about that, are you ok?
Amelia: My legs don’t work any more but there is hope in stem cell treatment I’ve don’t a lot of research so far
Gerald: That sucks
Amelia: It hasn’t been easy, but we’ll get there
Gerald: Oh yeah, here is the next turn, we are close
Amelia: I hope we are close, I can burst at any moment
Hector: Thanks for this Gerald. One more favor, could you help me get her out, I know this is the wrong car for this job but the van is in the garage, we got this on loan.
Gerald: Sure thing
(The car pulls over to the pub, Dooleys is the name. Gerald hops out to open the door for Amelia while Hector opens the boot to retrieve the wheelchair.)
Amelia: Quickly, get me on the chair, just grab me Gerald, no time!
(Hector unfolds the wheelchair)
Hector: Don’t worry I got this, you hold the chair steady
(Hector struggles to lift Amelia out of the car while Gerald holds the chair)
Gerald: You ok there?
Hector: I got it…wait, my back hurts, could you get her arms, just put your arms under hers and lunge her upright.
Gerald: Ok, wait a second
(Gerald puts his arms under Amelia’s from behind)
Hector: Like you are giving her a bare hug
Gerald lunges Amelia upright but nearly struggles as his right hand is almost grabbing Amelia’s left breast
Gerald: Sorry, sorry
He gets he upright and secure
Hector: Now we got to get her up these steps
Amelia: come on! I don’t want this happening again….Thanks Gerald for this
Gerald: No problem, we’ll get you there I promise
Hector and Gerald wheel her up each step, one by one until the get through the front door of Dooleys
Hector: We are here, though I forgot to lock the Audi, could you take it from here Gerald?
(Hector winks at Amelia)
Hector: You’ll be ok honey
Amelia: Love you daddy
Gerald: What do I do Hector?
Hector: Just get her in the ladies, I’m just going to park the car around the corner, be back in five minutes
Hector bewildered but pushes her through the pub past a few old men turning their heads and sniggering at Gerald
Barman: Oh Amelia, back again with a fella I see, shall I put one on for you? The usual is it?
Amelia: Yes please, and another for him too
Amelia: Don’t worry honey, I got this, now get me in there please
(Gerald is getting more concerned as an old lady opens the door for her)
Amelia: Thanks mam!
Gerald: Whats going on?
(The door locks behind them)
Amelia: Ok Gerald, I saw how you looked at me at first, and I know you enjoyed touching me
Gerald: But don’t you need to take a shit or something?
Amelia: Thanks for bringing me this far but I never needed too, I’m just going to say it straight
Gerald: Listen but….
Amelia: Can’t I eat your dick?
(Gerald pauses, Amelia pulls out a wadd of fifty notes)
Amelia: I’ll say this again, can I eat your dick?
Amelia: Can I take that as a yes/
(From outside they hear Hector)
Hector: It means perform oral sex on you and you will get money for it, what are you gay?
Gerald: I’m not gay?
Amelia: Than what are you waiting for? unzip and put it in my mouth and don’t pull out until I swallow
Hector: Do it son!
(moments later as the door is unlocked, Amelia leaves Gerald in the ladies bathroom. Gerald looks in the mirror and looks at a wadd of cash in his hand, Hector puts his head through the door)
Hector: You coming to join us for a pint? We should talk about a job for you, it can be a regular thing if you don’t mind?
Gerald: She just raped me, and you let her do it. And what the fuck is her mother doing here!
Hector: All in good time, you needed the money right?
(Gerald looks at the cash in his hand)
Hector: I say you got a good deal there, don’t blow it. Now come on, you don’t want Amelia to take on another candidate, or do you? It’s up to you.
Within that moment a shot gun blasts and Gerald finds himself covered in blood, its Hectors head all over him, more blasts come throughout the bar and Gerald is stuck in the ladies bathroom.
Gerald: Oh shit what the fuck?
In the bar: Give it to him!
(More shooting as one round goes through the wall and breaks the mirror, Gerald sees a window above the the toilet as the cubicle door swings open, he legs it and places his foot above the toilet seat and cistern to try and squeeze as much as he could through the opening, he flips over and falls seven feet on his back onto tarmac)
Gerald: My fucking back!
(As he’s straining himself to get up he notices his earnings float down to the air until….
Boom! A grenade goes off in the pub flinging debris and broken glass everywhere. Gerald’s vision goes and his ears start ringing with tinnitus…
But Gerald wakes up to find the fifty notes floating down onto his face.)
(He notices Amelia alive on the ground with him zipping his fly up, the bathroom is a mess with the wheelchair on the other side of the room.)
Amelia: Made it rain Gerald! you made it rain.
As the fifty notes are everywhere and Gerald perches himself up, Amelia grabs his left shoulder and pulls him into direct eye contact to say:
Amelia: Now if you ever spout shit about me to the cops, my dad and everyone in this bar will make you just like me in this chair!
Gerald: Couldn’t you have let me had that drink first?
By Noah Hamilton
It’s 9:33am on cold frosty morning. A grey dawn has come and Gerald has woken up unusually late, six thirty on the dot as it usually is but this time some thing is a bit eerie as there is a smell brisking through his nose, he sniffs but must have been something he ate still lingering from the night before as he usually raids the fridge after his “afternoon” drinks. He sits himself up from his pillow an clears his throat, he is barely awake but does his usual routine of putting on his slippers and dressing gown. The sniffs again and it is still there. It smells pleasant though he thinks to himself, what is that fragrance?
Gerald: What is that?
(He mutters to himself)
Gerald: Oh, my head. Ugh. I should really take it a little easier next time. God knows what I could of done.
(He squints his eyes and notices a pain that hits hard)
(He finds a mirror)
Gerald: Oh god.
(Gerald notices he has a black eye, he can make it out even in the poor light. But then he switches on the light not only to find a black eye but some lipstick on his cheek.)
(He looks around the room to see if there are any clues or relics from the previous night and there is. One traffic cone and even an empty keg. He flicks them both with his fingers just to make sure. He sniffs again and still confused of the fragrance.)
Gerald: Is that…Calvin Klein, Calvin Klein Obsession?
(Sniffs again and tries rubbing the lipstick off with his fingers but to only get it on both his face and his fingers.)
Gerald: I need a napkin
(He reaches in the drawer already open, he shuffles through and finds some soft fabric, about to wipe it on his face he unravels it to find out what it is, a pair of ladies underwear. He wakes up completely. Still wanting to get the lipstick on he reaches for another attempt to find a napkin but to his amazement he finds another pair of ladies underwear. He flings them both away to attend to his headache and black eye.)
Gerald: This strange, this is bizarre,who’s are these?
On the chair next to his bed he notices a studded belt….
Gerald: This does not look good
In comes Delila
Delila: Oh great you are awake, just collecting a few of my things before I go, think you had a good time, sorry about the eye, and all that other stuff but you were a champ. Shame you passed out before anything happened.
Gerald: Wait, what? who are you?
Delila: My oh my, you must of took something strong, you really don’t remember?
Gerald: Do I want to?
Delila: Well I though we had a great time on the trot painting the town red with you, you saved us from that guy, remember? You got in the way of his fist while we had time to hit him with our hand bags
(In comes Lara)
Lara: Morning Gerald! Have you seen my belt and, you know..
Gerald: Oh…wait where were you sleeping?
She hints with her hands and points both fingers towards Gerald
Gerald: And I don’t remember?
Delila: That brute must of hit you hard, and the hundred euros worth of tequila at the late bar
Lara: Hope you don’t mind that I raided the fridge do you
Gerald: No no, sure fine but…..
Delia: Oh yeah and that bit of money we agreed upon
(Gerald looks at the studded belt again)
Lara: That taxi remember?
Gerald: Oh right!
Delila: 250 for damages
Delila: What were you thinking about? Were you thinking about those things we were supposed to have but didn’t?
Gerald: Can I just sit down for a minute?
Delila: Sure honey, we are not crooks, but we do work
Lara: Working girls you know?
Gerald: Ok Ok, if it will make you go away
(He grabs his wallet to find it empty)
Delila: Broke huh?
Lara: Well we did drink it
Delila: That’s just complimentary
Gerald: Now hold on just a second, this is not me, I just don’t do this kind of thing at all.
(Delila looks at Lara)
Delila: There’s always a first isn’t there? Always hoping for a freebie
Lara: Lets call Big Bobby, let him know he’s here for round two
Gerald: Please don’t, here have this
(Gerald hands Delila something from another cabinet)
Gerald: Its a wedding ring, I don’t need it anymore
Delila: Shouldn’t you kneel first?
Lara: I do!
Delila: Stay quiet Lara, this looks legit, what happened Gerald?
(with a small bit of a sympathetic tone she asked)
Gerald: She said “no”
Lara: When was this Gerald?
Gerald: Just please go, it’s enough to cover everything and more, but please go
Delila: Let’s go Lara
Lara: Ok but Gerald?
Delia: Merry Christmas!